4.34am: Wake up and realise my dummy isn’t in my mouth. It seems like too much trouble to look for it as it’s quite warm and cosy where I’m lying, so moan until Mummy comes in to help me. It turns out my dummy is right next to me.
4.42am: Throw my dummy away and it lands on the floor. This is going to need immediate action by Mummy. Moan to get her attention but still waiting 30 seconds later so throw in a few strangled screams for good measure. Mummy finally comes to help.
5.03am: I don’t know why I can’t get back to sleep. I think it’s probably because I miss Mummy. Scream really loudly so she will know how much I love her. Nothing happens. Have a doze.
5.38am: Decide to scream a bit more. Daddy comes in holding a dummy, but I already have one. He looks a bit disappointed and tells me I’m a good boy but I should go to sleep. I definitely don’t want to sleep, the day is half over but it looks like Daddy’s made up his mind and he leaves me in my cot. What am I supposed to do now?
7.50am: Mummy comes into my room and wakens me up. Apparently I’m a ‘lazy bones’, but it’s ‘little wonder’ I’m fast asleep given I was up ‘partying most of the night’. I don’t know what she means – losing your dummy is no laughing matter. I try to ignore her by refusing to open my eyes, but she gets me out of bed anyway.
7.57am: Mummy gives me toast for my breakfast. I throw it on the ground. Obviously. Toast is disgusting. I thought this woman was supposed to know me?!
8.28am: Just finishing my breakfast. I’ve had five Cheerios, half a brioche and three cocktail sausages. Not sure why Mummy can’t just get my order right the first time around.
8.35am: Justin’s House is starting but I’m not allowed to watch it as we have to take Grace to school. I’ve no idea what that is but she seems to go there quite a lot. Anyway, Mummy seems a bit stressed out by this stage, so I decide to help out by putting on Daddy’s slippers. Get really cross when they won’t stay on my feet.
9.30am: We’re back home. Mummy says she needs to tidy up the kitchen. I decide to keep her company, so I bring my top 13 favourite toys into the kitchen to play with while Mummy is cleaning. For some reason she finds this quite irritating.
10.12am: Mummy finds me climbing up on a chair in the kitchen and lifts me down.
10.16am: Mummy finds me climbing up on a chair in the kitchen and lifts me down.
10.18am: Mummy finds me climbing up on a chair in the kitchen and lifts me down.
10.47am: Mummy goes to the toilet so I go with her to keep her company. I wouldn’t want her to be lonely.
10.50am: Throw my sister’s favourite unicorn handbag in the toilet while Mummy is washing her hands. Mummy screams. LOLs.
11.25am: Mummy says I look tired so we should go for a drive. Mummy gets a bit sweaty putting me in my car seat while I try to tell her I want to go and see the donkey in the neighbour’s field. She ignores me which makes me even more angry.
11.37am: We’re driving up and down the motorway. Mummy has turned up the heat as high as it will go and is getting even more sweaty. This is a total waste of time as I’m definitely not tired.
1.35pm: I waken up and we’re on our way to pick up Grace. Now seems like as good a time as any to cry.
2.10pm: Mummy changes my nappy. She goes outside to put the nappy in the bin, but I miss her so much, so I stand at the window squealing. It works – she comes straight back.
3.50pm: Mummy thinks I haven’t noticed her coming into the room with a cup of tea and some toast. I cry until she gives me her toast. I love toast.
4.12pm: Fall out with my sister over who should be allowed to hold her unicorn handbag. While I’m concentrating on screaming as loudly as I can, she rips it out of my hands. I throw myself to the ground. This is without doubt the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
6.30pm: Finish dinner and Mummy asks if I want a bath. I say ‘no’. I mean, obviously I don’t want a bath. Mummy ignores me and carries me to the bathroom so when she isn’t looking, I throw the toilet roll in the water and run away while she tries to fish it out.
6.55pm: I can’t believe it’s time to get out of the bath already. Life is so unfair. I lie down to make it impossible for Mummy to lift me but she somehow manages it. Foiled again.
7.30pm: Time for bed. I can’t wait until tomorrow so we can do it all again. But first I just need to get my dummy back.